Behind Blue Eyes
by Hazen S. Redfield
Summary: The narrative of Cloud Strife as our heroes recover after saving the planet. PostGame PreAdvent Children. Rated Teen for language and other things. Please supply feedback if you would.
1. The Same Routine

I couldn't control it. Once again it was the same dream I had been having every single goddamn night for the past two weeks. As my shirtless body tossed under the thin covers of my bed I saw it at all again. There I was, sick as a dog, in the back of the truck of some kind stranger who had been nice enough to give us a ride once we left Nibelheim. I was leaning against the side of the cab dressed in some of his clothes. He said I couldn't be wandering around dressed like a Shin-Ra MP without drawing attention to myself, so I was dressed in a pair of blue pants and a tank top he gave me. It was the same outfit he wore, except his was black.

"I think I'm gonna puke…"

I hear myself say and he just smiles at me and shakes his head. He gives me a thumbs-up and chuckles lightly. He brought me back from the reactor after Sephiroth nearly killed us and he helped me break out of the basement and carried me out of the town. I owe this man my life and he just laughs and calls me his friend. As I look up at him, finally feeling my stomach starting to settle he's right there smiling back at me.

"We're only a few hours from Costa Del Sol. Once we get there we can catch a ride on a ship to Junon Harbor and cross to the Eastern Continent. There's a town there called Midgar I want to go to. We can find jobs there and start over….and my girlfriend is there. I haven't seen her since I was eighteen. She wrote me almost everyday, Cloud."

I can see his eyes light up as he talks about her. He's still smiling like always and he leans back against the back glass of the truck and stretches. Just as I remember it, the dream begins to play out like a medley; where the scenes jump around in snippets, leaving me just enough information to piece together what really happened five years ago.

"Wake up, Cloud. We've made it to Costa Del Sol. Come on, we'll miss the boat out if we don't hurry."

He grabs me by the arm and helps me step down from the truck bed. I'm finally able to walk on my own accord but not quickly. He wraps one of my arms around his shoulder and helps me walk. When I look up to thank him he just smiles at me and tells me that helping each other is what friends do. Using some of the money he snatched from the mansion back at Nibelheim he buys us two tickets for the ride to Junon and we board the ship.

"It should be a few hours until Junon. Then we can hitch a ride to Midgar. I'm sure she'll let us recover at her house and then we can find jobs. I'm going to be a mercenary, might as well put my SOLDIER experience to use."

He pulls the large sword off his back and holds the giant blade easily enough, swiping it twice through the air before placing it on his back again.

"Besides, I don't think I can get much work besides that with this huge thing on my back. Well, unless someone needs a really good lawn service, huh, Cloud?"

At that part he throws back his head and laughs and I find myself laughing along with him. The rest fizzles out until my eyes open again and we're standing on a hill looking down at a big industrial looking city. It's Midgar. My best friend looks down to me and nods his head. He looks back to the large city and then turns to walk down the adjoining hill's path so we can walk into the city. I've begun to feel sick again so I'm slowly staggering after him. He stops to wait for me when our peaceful moment is interrupted by the sound of trained boots plodding on the grassy ground. He spins around and suddenly calls out to me.

"CLOUD, RUN! GO NOW!"

He grabs my by the arm and shoves me towards the path. In my current state I can't stay on my feet so I fall and begin to roll down the path. As I tumble down the path I can hear screams and the sounds of guns firing. My body hits a large rock and as I begin to fade I hear a few last shots fired and then someone laughing.

This is always the worst part of the dream. When I come to I find my sickness has left me again and I'm well enough to stand. As I climb the hill I listen to my surroundings and hear nothing; the only sounds are the wind blowing and a few insects chirping. Once I reach the top of the hill my heart drops into my stomach. Lying a few feet away in a pool of his own blood is my best friend. He isn't moving. I run to him and kneel besides him. I place his head in my lap but his eyes are closed and he isn't breathing. I feel for a pulse and find nothing, not a fucking thing at all!

"ZAAAAAAAAAAAACK! NO! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! NOT NOW! ZACK! ZACK! PLEASE WAKE UP! ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

I finally wake up and sit bolt right in my bed. As my entire body is dripping an icy cold sweat the only sounds in the pitch-black room are my ragged breathing and the sound of my pulse in my ears. It's been two weeks since we saved the planet from Sephiroth and Meteor and also my realization about who I really am. Every single night I dream about Zack and all he did for me. I toss the drenched sheets aside and step from the bed, the only article of clothing on my body is the pair of drawstring pajama bottoms and they are just as soaked with sweat as the sheets.

I find my way into the bathroom and flick the light on my eyes automatically wince as the bright light bombards them after being in the dark. I stagger to the sink and grab it for support, holding for a moment before I turn on the water and begin to wash my face. After a moment I look at the reflection in the mirror and see the man I have become. It's been five years since Zack helped me escape Nibelheim and gave his life for mine at the entrance to Midgar. As I stare at the face dripping with water I think about Zack again.

"I let you down, friend. I would have died if not for you and all I could do was steal your life."

As I say this my hands ball into fists and slam into the porcelain counter that surrounds the sink, the pain that follows drops to a dull throb after a moment. My eyes narrow and begin to tear up. My breath comes ragged again due to the tears I try to choke back. Though this part isn't in my dream, I remember it. Some things I can't remember if they are a memory of Cloud's life or Zack's life, but I know…I goddamn know this is part of my life. I can still see my younger self on the hill standing over the shallow grave I dug and I take the sword that was Zack's. I make him a vow to live my life for the both of us.

"I couldn't even keep that promise. My Jenova cells absorbed your memories and melded them to mine. I did become a mercenary like you wanted to, but I took your life. I took your life, Zack! I BETRAYED OUR FRIENDSHIP!"

As a new rage grips my body I lose control. My fist slams into the mirror, shattering it into tiny pieces that fall onto the counter and into the sink. I grit my teeth as the skin rips open and the crimson fluid begins to pour freely from the numerous gashes. A river of red falls into the sink so I turn on the water and stick my wounded hand under it. I gasp as the cool water burns the cuts but I just bite down and absorb it. After rinsing it off I snatch the hand towel off the bar on the wall and wrap it over my fist before turning to walk back to my bedroom. Though I haven't used them since I still have my materia locked in a chest. I am thankful for the Restore materia there but not for anything else. As my feet hit the wooden floor of the bedroom I find myself crying freely, something I want no one to see.

"I'm so sorry…..So…sorry….more than you'll….ever know….."


	2. A Dinner Date

The open road always helped to ease my thoughts. My hands gripped the handlebars of my motorcycle tightly as I stared out from behind the goggles covering my eyes. I was dressed in my riding gear: black jeans, a matching tank top, and a vest. It was very biker looking but I looked good in it and it was comfortable for those long motorcycle voyages. The road was empty of any other vehicles besides my own and in a way I preferred it like that. I had grown accustomed to my need for solitude since I could be alone with my thoughts without having to worry about any other people prying.

I twisted the throttle to speed things up since I had a delivery to make. I couldn't keep working as a mercenary for hire anymore after everything we had all been through. I had seen enough violence in my twenty-one years. With the help of Tifa and a nice little donation from Reeve I had been able to start a new business. "Strife Delivery Service: You Name It, We Ship It." The tag line was Tifa's idea and it did fit. Right now there was a package in the mini-trunk of the cycle that had to be taken to Kalm.

--

After returning to my motorcycle after delivering the wrapped package to the lady it was addressed to I heard my cell phone play its little beep. Pulling it from my side I glanced at the screen and realized I had a missed call. Great, it must have come when I was riding and didn't hear it. Flipping up the screen I pressed a few buttons and then placed the phone next to my ear. As the female computer voice went through the standard nuances I glanced down to my watch. I had made pretty decent time.

"Hey, Cloud. It's Tifa. We got a few more orders, though it's nothing we can't put off until tomorrow. Look, before you head back to your place, do you want to have dinner with me? We really don't see each other that often anymore. Well, I'll see you when you come back to the bar. Be safe, Cloud."

I let out a heavy sigh as I flipped the phone shut and placed it back on my side. As I straddled the motorcycle and started it I had to stop to think about Tifa. She had been my friend since we were kids and though we had been drawn closer during the big adventure, I had distanced myself from her. It wasn't anything personal, I just didn't want to drag her into my problems. She had enough to worry about with running her bar and managing Strife Delivery Service without being involved with my personal problems. It wasn't like she could relate anyway; she hadn't been experimented on, betrayed her best friend, and lived a false life.

As the motorcycle peeled out Kalm and onto the open road I intentionally increased my speed to compensate for beating myself up again. There weren't any monsters roaming in the open anymore after Sephiroth was defeated so I found no reason to have my Buster Sword or Materia with me. Even if there WERE monsters, I would have bought a new weapon. The Buster Sword was another artifact I was trying to keep locked away, it wasn't even mine, it was his. I don't deserve to even look at it. Not after what I had done.

--

The motorcycle came to a stop outside of the medium sized building that was adorned with a large wooden sign that read "Tifa's Bar." Another generous donation from the new President of Shin-Ra, our good buddy Reeve, had let Tifa rebuild the place better than it was in the Sector 7 slums. I casually removed the goggles from my eyes and let them hang off one of the handlebars as I stood and stretched. Along the way I had thought about Tifa's offer and had decided that I would have dinner with her. I hadn't spent any significant time with her in awhile and the idea of driving back to Edge on an empty stomach wasn't exactly the most appealing thing.

As my boots plodded on the steps the door of the bar opened and she ran out, hugging my waist tightly. Marlene looked up at me and smiled widely. She wasn't shy around me anymore like she once was. She was living with Tifa now, what with Barret off handling some things in Corel and that meant she did see more of me when I came by to pick up packages to deliver. She squeezed my waist tightly and nestled her head against my stomach. I found myself lightly patting her head. She was wearing an off-white dress and her hair was pulled back with a simple red ribbon. She looked just like I remembered.

"Hi, Marlene. How are things for business?"

It was the only appropriate bit of small talk I could think of to say to a child. She looked up at me with a smile and just kept that same look. As she said it was fine she grabbed one of my gloved hands and pulled me into the bar. Night had already fallen and on Sundays Tifa always closed the bar down early so there were no patrons. As soon as I stepped in Tifa stepped out from behind the bar and rushed to me. Her outfit was different. She was wearing denim jeans and a black sweater that fit her well. It seemed miniskirts had fallen from her favor. She threw her arms around me like Marlene had and hugged me tightly. Before I enjoyed the embrace she gave but now it burnt me. Not a hot feeling, one of coldness. I winced but ignored the cold burning as I hugged her back. After a moment she stepped back and looked at me, smiling haphazardly.

"Will you stay for dinner? I made your favorite."

"Sure. How can I pass up a steak by the great Tifa?"

There was a smile on my face as I looked back to her but it was a lie. In the back of my mind I wanted to just fill out the day's paperwork and head back to my tiny little cottage in Edge but I had to stay. Besides, having her company would keep my thoughts away from Zack, Sephiroth, and Jenova. I could use a night away from those horrible thoughts and the nightmares that would follow.

As we stepped back from hugging each other I wandered over a side table I had always been fond of. Tifa followed behind me with two plates and sat them down on the table. As I looked down I saw a steak with a baked potato next to it and it was already cut open and filled with my favorite add-ins. Tifa did know me very well. Tifa left again to go fetch us a bottle of wine and it was then I saw Marlene heading up the stairs with a plate in her hands. I guess she was eating by herself tonight, Tifa must have told her we needed to be alone. It didn't really matter; the girl could have sat with us since I wasn't planning on opening up or saying anything she shouldn't hear.

"I found a good one, Cloud."

Tifa took the seat across from mine and sat a glass in front of me before working the cork off the bottle. It made a loud popping sound and then she poured each of us a glass. I hadn't touched my dinner yet so I grabbed the wineglass and took a large drink. The refined alcohol felt good as it washed down my throat. I normally drank hard liquor but wine went better with dinner so I didn't bother to complain. As I looked back up I noticed Tifa had already cut off a piece of her steak and was chewing it. She smiled at me and I showed her an insincere smile again in return. She was the first to break the silence.

"I got a postcard from Barret today. He and some of the men from the town started work in the coalmines in Corel and there's finally some money coming in again. He said that there's some kind of monument to Dyne he has planned. Are you ready for the biggest surprise?"

Her eyes were wide and lit up as a huge smile came to her face. I had grown to like Barret and the man was of good heart. This time the small grin that came to my face was real and I casually asked "What?" She clasped her hands together.

"The townspeople want to vote him in as the new Mayor since there's finally a chance for the city to prosper again! Can you believe it Cloud? Barret might actually become a Mayor!"

"That really is something. I wonder how long it will be before he smacks around his staff and causes havoc….."

"Cloud!"

I jumped and found myself staring at an angry Tifa. Her lips were pursed and she was staring at me through narrow eyes. I didn't mean to make her mad but I guess my remark about Barret had pressed some button. She had known the man longer than I had and she was looking after his daughter now, so I guess she had the right to be defensive of the AVALANCHE leader. Okay, that remark was uncalled for. In a way, I owed Barret. If I hadn't of taken the job to help him sabotage those Mako Reactors I wouldn't have gotten involved with Shin-Ra and found out the truth. The planet would have been struck by Meteor, Sephiroth would have become a god, and we'd all be dead right now.

"I'm sorry….it just slipped out…."

"I know you and Barret got off to a rough start, but I thought you two had mended your problems by now. You could at least be happy he is fixing up his hometown and is trying to make things right."

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!"

Tifa jumped at my sudden yell and instead of saying anything she just went back to eating. The rest of our meal was eaten in silence. I had planned to at least make idle chit chat about the bar, our business, and what everyone was up to, but that was ruined. Maybe she had wanted to see how my mental state was but that wouldn't happen now. As I finished the last bite of my steak I stood, taking my plate towards the bar. She watched me walk by and still said nothing. After dropping my plate in the sink I stepped back around into the main part of the building.

"Look…."

I spoke first. I may have ruined the moment but I had to at least part on something of amicable terms.

"Thanks for dinner, Tifa. It was good to see you and Marlene again. I really am happy for Barret. I know he's been fighting demons like all of us after what Shin-Ra did to Corel."

She rose from the table and walked over to meet me. She placed a hand on my chest and made a sound that was a cross between a chuckle and a cough. I looked down to see a tiny grin on her face.

"So, you are still open. I was afraid you'd go back to silent asshole Cloud. I'm glad you decided to stay and have dinner with me….If you want, you can crash here tonight. It is a bit of a long drive back to your cottage."

My blue eyes suddenly widened. I stepped back as though she had crossed some taboo line and the look on her face showed she was confused. What I said next, I never really meant it. My inner voice that made me block off things and shut my emotions down was in control and I channeled those negative thoughts through my mouth.

"I see what this is. You ask me to stay for dinner so you can get an after dinner lay? Is that what this was about, Tifa?"

She gasped and before she could retaliate I moved towards her, pointing an accusing finger as she moved backwards and I kept walking towards her.

"We grew up together in Nibelheim and we were good friends back then. I even kept that stupid little promise you made me make before I left for SOLDIER for you. Now you're going to repay me by trying to get me into bed?"

"NO! I invited you here because I wanted to spend time with you! I was going to say you could stay in the guest room upstairs but now you're accusing me of trying to seduce you! Cloud, we are friends! NOTHING but friends! How can you even say these things?"

There was no relenting in my anger as I keep walking forward. I don't mean any of the words I found myself saying but it's nothing but my repressed anger at no one but me that is escaping and hurting the one person who probably my last true friend.

"Bullshit! You think that some sex is going to make me forget about Zack and Aerith?"

It happened so fast that I had no time to prepare for it. A balled fist slammed into my nose and I flew backwards, slamming into a nearby table and knocking it over. As I lay on the floor nursing a bloody, possibly even broken, nose I caught sight of Tifa standing there with her arm still extended. She had a look of shock on her face and I could see tears rolling down her smooth cheeks.

"You always think this is about you, Cloud! My memories of the events at Nibelheim are a little blurry but I can still see Zack…and how dare you bring up Aerith like that! She was my friend too! I cried like the rest of you when she died! I wanted to kill Sephiroth just like everyone else after he took her from us! I knew you were torn between us but I didn't say anything…."

"Tifa…I…."

"Get out."

The words are delivered to me in a deadpan tone but it hurts more than any of the yelling. She's still crying but doing it freely now. She loved Aerith too and was just as saddened by her loss as any of us. I stood up and rubbed at my lower back that had smacked into the table. As I opened my mouth to speak she sucked back the sobs and ordered me out again.

"Please, Tifa I didn't…"

"GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY BAR, CLOUD! LEAVE! JUST GO!"

She yanks the door open and stands next to it waiting for me to step outside. Just before stepping out I catch sight of something in my peripheral vision. Seated at the top of the stairs is Marlene. She watches us with a look of startled and hurt confusion. The sadness on her pretty face cuts right through the exterior of my protective inner shell and I find myself overcome with a desire to rush to her, to snatch her up and tell her everything is okay. She's Barret's daughter, not mine, but I care for her too. I had given her the nickname of AVALANCHE'S Mascot and had grown closer to her.

I stop halfway out the door and turn to walk back in. Tifa glares at me with a look that could burn a hole through any armor and I doubt that look will go away any time soon. I take a step back in and she slams the door towards me but I catch it with my hand and stop it from blocking me out. I look past her and to Marlene who has now left her roost to run back to her room.

"Let me talk to Marlene. She saw us fight."

"She's growing up, Cloud. She can handle more things now and besides, I'm going to talk to her about what happened. You need to go."

Her words were still delivered with an incredible cold tone. It was then that it hit me how bad I had seriously fucked things up. I tried to move forward again and suddenly guffawed as a stern kick hit my unprotected ribs. Tifa was lightning fast and knew just where to deliver her stiff "warning moves" as she called them. As I held my aching side she mouthed something very profane to me and slammed the door in my face. I heard the heavy lock click and knew I had been officially kicked out.

Still holding my sore side I walked down the steps and mounted my motorcycle. The goggles slipped on over my eyes and with one arched leg I kick started the bike and sped off. It was also now cold as hell outside and I had no jacket. Wonderful.


	3. Airships and Carburetors

It had been a week since Tifa kicked me out of her bar. That night I went home and just laid in my bed replaying the events of our date over and over again. Tifa was my new best friend. She had been a childhood friend and she was the one who introduced me to Barret, which started the events that led to where we were now. I knew I was wrong for acting like I did but I couldn't control it. My guilt for what happened to Zack and Aerith had been eating me alive and my inner barrier had built its way to the point where nothing really mattered. The words that people spoke to me were empty and barren, having no meaning and I found that trying to show emotion was just as difficult. Why did I treat Tifa like that?

That same night I had the dream about Zack again. It replayed in picture perfect fashion the same way it had been. From our escape at Nibelheim to the ship ride to Junon, to his meaningless death at the hands of those soldiers outside of Midgar. I saw myself crying hysterically as he died and I buried him at that hill. If he could ever forgive me…let me know I wasn't responsible for his death, maybe things would change. But that was a filthy damn lie and I knew it. Zack died because of me. We were so close to Midgar and if I hadn't of been so weak we would have made it in time to avoid the soldiers sent after us. I was wholly responsible for Zack's murder.

A new occurrence had taken place in the last night though; a new one replaced my dream about Zack. I found myself dreaming about Aerith. Similar to the style of the nightmare about Zack this one played out my time spent with Aerith Gainsborough. I saw it all. It started off with me slowly coming to and finding a beautiful young woman kneeling next to me, caressing my forehead and asking me if I was okay. As my vision settled I recognized her as the flower girl I met after escaping the No. 1 Mako Reactor. She helped me sit up and I rubbed at the back of my head, which was throbbing.

"You took a pretty big fall. Crashed through the roof and landed in the flowerbed. At least you had a soft landing."

Her voice was so angelic. It sounded so pristine and beautiful that it made me forget about the throbbing pain in the back of my head or that Tifa and Barret were probably worried sick about me. She helped me stand and walk to a pew to sit down. The rest plays in quickly in a collage of scenes.

She takes me to her home where I meet her mother. With a laugh of true entertainment she watches me put on that damn dress and wig and christens me "Ms. Cloud." I bust open the containment tank in Hojo's lab and help her out. We're riding on the boat to Costa Del Sol and she helps Yuffie keep her mind off her motion sickness. She always was helpful like that. To the Golden Saucer where the two of us are riding some of the rides and just having a great time. She wraps her arms around one of mine and leans in resting her head on my shoulder. From being her bodyguard to possibly something else, our relationship has grown over the time we've spent together since first meeting in that church.

"Aerith…I think I'm in lo…."

Before the dream Cloud can finish his sentence darkness fills the area around her and I see her eyes widen. Her hands are gripping at something and to my horror I see a long blade protruding from her stomach. Her hands lightly grasp the blade and blood begins to trickle from the corners of her precious mouth. Behind her stands him, my arch nemesis. Sephiroth stands there, a look with no emotions on his face. He slowly pulls the blade from her and she falls forward, splashing into the water.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I draw my Buster Sword and charge towards him. The only thing I can think is that Aerith is dead and I have to kill Sephiroth. I leap into the air and come down towards him, sword raised and ready to strike. As I swing my Buster Sword it clangs against a sort of force field that causes the sword to vibrate violently in my hands and I drop it, letting it sink into the water. It doesn't matter, weapon or no weapon I plan to kill him. Letting out a battle cry I run towards him and throw a punch, but find it hits the same force field. I throw several more punches and a kick but they all land on the invisible barrier that is protecting him.

As Aerith's body sinks lower into the water Sephiroth smirks at me, taunting me. He laughs and just sneers at me knowing that I can't hurt him. I snatch my blade from the water where it floats and rear back before slinging it forward with all the strength I can muster. It clangs loudly against his Masamune and a struggle of power begins between the two of us. Try as I might Sephiroth is amazingly strong and he seems to be pushing me back with incredible ease. As our blades continue to draw closer he sneers again and I jump back to put some space between us. I raise the sword and charge at him, sword raised and ready to strike.

Then I wake up. I'm in my single bed in my room in the cottage and all is pitch black. I sit up and run a hand through my spiked locks and rub at my burning eyes. I look to the clock on the nightstand by my bed and the glowing red numbers indicate it's still early morning. I have a few more hours left until the alarm will go off. I flop back heavily onto the mattress and kick the sheets off my body. I turn onto my side and pull my pillow close to my head, snuggling it next to me. I let out a heavy sigh and begin to think about Aerith again. She was the girl that Zack spoke of on our ride back to Midgar and I had no idea. How could I have known? Aerith is the other part of my nightmare. Her summoning of Holy did more than anybody else in our party and yet I still couldn't save her.

The truly worst part was that I fell in love with her and she died. I couldn't stop Sephiroth from killing her. Am I being punished for her death too? Is that why the nightmare tonight was about her instead of Zack? Why did I love her? Was it truly me that loved her or was it one of Zack's memories that I stole playing with my emotions? I just didn't know. The worst part of this whole thing was that I hadn't an idea of what was Cloud and what was Zack. I did my best to force those thoughts from my head and just pulled my pillow around my head, holding it tightly. When I closed my eyes I could see Aerith standing in the church in the slums smiling at me and holding out a marigold in her hands, extending it to me in some type of offering. I open my eyes and stare into the darkness that fills the room, trying to keep my mind blank.

"BRRRRRRR! BRRRRR! BRRRRR! BRRRRR!"

The alarm blasts loudly and I roll over in my bed with a heavy groan. I feel around blindly for it and finally grab it, fumbling for the button on top to make the infernal and incessant blaring stop. Finally I press the right button and the clock starts screaming in my ear. I sit up in the bed and stretch, listening to some of my joints snap and pop. I step from the bed and stagger towards the bathroom to get ready for my day. I have an hour and a half to get to Tifa's to pick up the first of the day's packages.

--

My motorcycle pulls to a stop outside Tifa's bar and I step from it. As I walk up the steps to the bar the door opens to meet me. Instead of Tifa, Marlene Wallace walks out holding a package wrapped in brown paper with a yellow label atop. She smiles at me and hands it to me. As I take it she looks up to me and her expression becomes more serious.

"I'm sorry, Cloud. Tifa said she doesn't want to see you right now. She told me to bring the package to you and to tell you to be careful. If it makes you feel better, I'm still your friend."

She stepped forward and hugged me and it did something inside of me. Marlene's grip was warm and the hug of the child helped to chip away some of my cold emotional barrier. I hugged her back and she smiled a big smile at me before turning to sprint back into the bar. The door closed and I turned to head back to bike. I opened the trunk and before looking to the label atop the brown paper. What was written there surprised me.

Cid Highwind 

_Rocket Town_

Express Delivery 

"Cid, huh? I haven't seen that crazy asshole since the Northern Crater. This should an interesting delivery."

I slipped the package into the mini-trunk on my bike and climbed on. After a kick-start the bike roared loudly to life and peeled out, smoke actually coming from the tires as they sped off the ground. I rode away in a hurry from Tifa's and out onto the open road again. As the bike sped along I let out a deep breath and leaned back, getting comfortable for the long ride to Rocket Town.

--

It took a few hours and a quick stop in some small town whose name I can't remember for a fill-up, but I finally made it to Rocket Town. I pulled in to the town and slowed down the speed of the motorcycle to a comfortable speed so I could drive through the main part of the city without being bitched at by some "concerned citizen." I pulled to a stop in front of Cid's house and stood from the bike.

My knock fell gently on the door several times and it opened a moment later. Shera still looked how I remembered. Her long brown hair was pulled back in with a simple ponytail though most of it was still wild and free. Her thin glasses framed her face and they did look good on her. She stared at me a moment before smiling and stepping back, her hands in the pockets of her white coat.

"Hi, Cloud. How have you been?"

"Things have been okay. My new business keeps me busy. I haven't had to pick up my sword since starting there."

"That's good. So, you're in the delivery business now, right?"

"Yeah. I have a package here for Cid."

"Oh! The parts for his new airship engine have arrived then. He's been expecting these. Come in, sit, I'll go get Cid for you."

I stepped into their house and followed Shera as she headed towards the back door. I looked out a window at the back of the house and saw what looked like a huge hunk of metal that sort of resembled an airship but still needed a lot of work. Before Shera reached the back door we could hear the angry yelling of the great Cid Highwind followed by the sound of several kicks being delivered. Even through closed doors and windows his voice still carried.

"GOD DAMNIT! FUCKING RUSTED OVER CONTRAPTION FROM THE SPAWNS OF HELL!"

Shera grimaced and turned back to me. We were all used to Cid's language but it still bothered Shera. As she opened the door and led me out we caught sight of Cid charging towards the partially constructed airship with his harpoon raised over his head to attack. I found the sight amusing and had to stifle a laugh. Shera's eyes went wide and she yelled out, her yell overpowering Cid's.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"CID! STOP!"

The famed pilot stumbled forward a few clumsy steps and dropped his harpoon. He turned to look at Shera and made a face like a kid who just got caught with a hand in the cookie jar. Shera pointed towards me and the look on Cid's face changed. He smiled and began to walk over to us. Shera patted me on the shoulder and then turned to head back into the house. As Cid drew closer he pulled a cigarette pack from his pants pocket and pulled one out. He placed the nicotine filled stick in his mouth and lit it up with a silver flip-top lighter. He blew out a mouthful of smoke and then gave me a stiff punch to the arm.

"Cloud Fucking Strife! About goddamn time you got your spikey ass out my way!"

Same old Cid. We shook hands and then I held the package to him. His face lit up and he took it from me and began ripping it open. He was a full-grown man acting like a kid on Christmas morning as he ripped into the package. He removed something that looked like a carburetor or some type of gear shift and smiled at it proudly. He began to toss it up into the air and caught it each time it came back down.

"Hot damn, it finally came! Maybe now I can get that old shit bucket to start up."

He motioned to the airship he was about to destroy a moment ago as he placed the carburetor back into the box and closed it. He held it in his free hand while he kept the lit cigarette clenched between his teeth. He took a drag from it and blew it out using the precision and skill only a full on chain smoker could possess. I looked back at him after examining his new ship and nodded, giving my approval. It was an impressive ship, even if it was far away from flying in its current state.

"Nice work, Cid. New model?"

"The latest. I'm going to name her Shera in honor of my lady. A great ship deserves an even greater name."

"Your lady?"

Now my interest was piqued. Still grinning with a cigarette clenched between his lips Cid held up his free hand and I saw a silver band wrapped around his ring finger. He nodded his approval.

"I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We haven't set a date or anything though. Right now we're just engaged. So, how are things between you and Tifa? You decided to pop the question to her yet?"

My blue eyes widened as my chest stiffened. Tifa wasn't even speaking to me at the moment so we were far away from being in love. I did my best to play it cool and just casually shook my head. Cid chuckled and then began to cough as some of the smoke form his cigarette wafted into his throat. He spit the smoke onto the ground and stomped it out as he hunched over and began to cough loudly. He slammed a fist into his chest a few times and then stood up, wiping away some tears from his eyes.

"Fuck, Cloud! I figured you would have asked that little lady to hitch up with you by now. Reeve and me have us a bet going to see how long it would take! You better not make me lose to that rich fucker!"

I took a deep breath to remain calm. I blew up at Tifa and she nearly broke my nose and kicked me out of the bar. Plus, she still wasn't speaking to me. Knowing Cid's temper if I blew up at him he'd probably beat the living shit out of me and curse up nine demons while doing it. After a moment of having my eyes closed to control myself I opened them and laughed. Surprisingly the laugh felt good as if it humor really was the best therapy. I had to change the subject and quick.

"So…. you stay in touch with anybody else?"

Cid had already replaced his stomped out cigarette with a fresh one and was busy taking a long draw of the toxin filled smoke into his lungs. As he blew it out he had a look on his face like he was thinking. He looked back to me and nodded.

"Vincent is over at Nibelheim. He came by here a few days ago and I did some work on his Shin-Ra arm and cleaned up his weapons for him. Like usual the little Goth bastard barely said more than five words to me. Yesterday a message came from Wutai. Yuffie and her old man want to use Little Bronco for some diplomatic trip. That's all I've heard from. You? How're Tifa and Barret? That little girl of his?"

"Tifa's fine. She helps me run Strife Delivery Service. Marlene is staying with her while Barret's out in Corel doing some work. The two of them keep the bar and my business running well enough."

Before the conversation could be pursued further the door opened and Shera stuck her head out. She said something to Cid about a phone call from the mayor and that he needed Cid's help. Cid looked back to me and actually removed the cancer stick from his mouth when he spoke. He gripped me firmly on my right shoulder.

"I need to go handle this. Thanks for bringing the part to me, Cloud. You take care of your crazy ass, huh? When I get Shera up and running we'll have us a big fucking reunion…you, me, Tifa, Vincent, Barret, Yuffie, Red, Cait…. We'll all go on a big ass air ride and get reacquainted. Sound good?"

I nodded and smiled some. I was interested in seeing everyone again and taking an airship ride sounded fun. Tifa may have thought I was some asshole but I was still Cloud inside. I just needed to break the frozen shell inside me and let him out more often. As I headed back through the house to where my motorcycle was Shera stopped me and paid me for delivering the package. I thanked her and headed out the front door.


	4. Truth Seeking and The Dead Man

Nibelheim. It was only an hour or so from Rocket Town so I decided to stop by and see Vincent. I was feeling apprehensive about heading to Nibelheim since the town was not only my hometown but also the place where all of this began in the first place. It was the place where Sephiroth slaughtered all those innocent people, where Zack and I were experimented on. I still had more deliveries to make but they could hold off for a little while I stopped by to see my old friend. I leaned back on my motorcycle and lifted my legs to let them rest higher on the bike as I sped along through the grassy field leading to Nibelheim. As the mountains began to appear in the horizon I revved the throttle to speed things along.

As I grew closer I had to fight the urge to turn back because of all the memories that came from Nibelheim. I was suddenly taken back to seven years ago when I was still a skinny kid with long hair. I was sitting atop the water tower waiting for Tifa Lockhart to show up. I wanted to talk to her and give her the news first before she heard it from someone else. I was going to be leaving to join SOLDIER and work for the Shin-Ra Electric Power Company to begin the next phase of my life. I sat out there for nearly an hour in the cool night and she finally showed up. As she sat down next to me I turned to look at her.

I was distracted from my flashback as I saw the city outskirts appear before me so I slowed the bike down and rode into the city at a slower pace. Just inside the city entrance I parked the motorcycle and stepped from it, choosing to walk in on foot to see everything and take in my former hometown through my own eyes. I drew my new sword from its shaft on the bike and slipped it into the case on my back. I couldn't bring myself to use the Buster Sword again but I had bought a new blade after hearing word of a band of thieves attacking travelers. I slipped the blade tightly into its new case and began my trek to the center of the town. I knew where Vincent was staying; it was the only place in the town where he could possibly be.

As I walked through I immediately noticed the town was empty. There were no lights in any of the houses and there were no people. No children playing in the streets, no adults in any of the stores. The town was abandoned. I slipped my hands into my pocket as my footsteps echoed trough the ghost town. As I passed by the old water tower I looked up to it and could actually see my younger self sitting atop it sitting next to Tifa. To think we were only kids back then, thirteen and fourteen years old. A smile came to my face as I remembered.

There it was, the old mansion surrounded by the old metal fence and sitting back giving it an old and creepy look. I took in the sight and suddenly my head began to throb with one of the fiercest migraines I had ever experienced. I literally dropped to my knees and clutched at my skull, trying to keep it from exploding as the pain blasted through. As my eyes began to bulge out and my body trembled things went white and I found it hard to breathe. As my body quivered it fell forward onto the paved ground and I blacked out. But it wouldn't last for long.

As a replay of my fight with Sephiroth at the Mako Reactor and my memories of floating in the test tube in the mansion basement wracked my body I let out a blood-curdling scream but it was only in my mind. When I finally came to I found myself lying on a bed in a room that seemed vaguely familiar to me. I sat up and clutched at my temples but the pain had sub-sided. It was another of my "Memory Spasms" as Reeve had labeled them. I looked around the room and it took me a moment to realize it was part of the mansion. Who brought me here? I spun my head around looking and I did it so fast my mind didn't pick up the image of the person standing by the door.

"Vincent!"

I jumped up from the bed and eyed the former Turk gunman. His appearance never changed. He was still dressed in black leather with a red cape wrapped over his shoulders, which hung down to cover most of his upper body. His long black hair obscured some of his face but I could still make out most of his features. He said nothing as he walked quietly across the room towards me. The blank look in his yellow eyes was a bit disturbing but I had known Vincent long enough to not be wary of him. He stopped a few feet from me and folded his arms over his chest. As I looked into his eyes a smirk came over his face.

"You never change. I found you lying outside the mansion. Still having the spasms?"

"Yeah. But they're less often now. I guess my mind is finally learning how to separate my memories from the false ones."

He turned away from me and began to walk towards the door; his cape swaying and falling after him. I watched Vincent walk out of the door and by instinct I followed him out. Being his usual self he was perfectly quiet as he led me through the mansion and into the basement. Even though this was the place where all the hell had begun five years ago I was okay. I wasn't having a Spasm and somehow I found this whole thing calming, as if coming back to this mansion was the cure I needed. Vincent stopped in front of the door that led to the library and turned back to look at me.

"In here. I know what to do."

"About what?"

"I was expecting you. I heard about the way you've been acting and that you were in Rocket Town earlier today. I knew you would come by here once you were informed I was living here."

"Wait a sec, you still haven't explained what you plan to do."

He walked into the library and I followed behind him. He stopped once he reached the large coffin that Aerith, Barret, and I found him in. He turned back to me and motioned towards it with his mechanical arm. He had grown more accustomed to not hiding the arm and began using it more often, but it was still something he did rarely. My eyes looked towards the coffin and then back to him, confused. As my mouth opened to question him he spoke again. His low voice carried through the large room giving the whole conversation an even more ominous feeling.

"If anyone knows about being a human experiment and having part of your life taken away, it's me. Tell me, Cloud. You have horrible nightmares don't you? Every night of sleep is one of horror as you relive moments you'd rather put behind you, lock in a chest and forget. You wake up in a cold sweat, your heart blasting away like it's about to explode and you have to ask yourself "Did that happen? Why am I remembering this now? Why won't it go away?" I know, Cloud. I spent twenty three years of my life in a state of suspended animation locked in a godforsaken box!"

He motioned towards the coffin again as he said that. His yellow eyes narrowed and he stared at me fiercely. He was right and he knew it. He knew that I was having nightmares and reliving moments I wanted to lock in a big chest, weight it down, and toss it into the ocean where it would lost forever. I found myself breathing faster and my hands starting to sweat. He just smirked at me from behind black locks of long hair because he knew. I stepped backwards, suddenly overtaken by an urge to leave the mansion. Moving at an inhuman speed Vincent stepped forward and grabbed me, locking his mechanical arm around my wrist to stop me.

"Let me go!"

"Answer me this one question, Cloud: Do you want it all to stop? For all of it to just go away?"

I found myself staring into his eyes as he said those words and nodded. He let go of me and as I looked down to my wrist I realized how powerful he was, there were red indentations along my wrist where his metal fingers had been holding onto me. I looked back to him and nodded again and he was already standing by the coffin, pulling the lid open. I moved to stand beside him and looked into it. Strangely, it did look comfortable with its plush velvet lining When I looked back I saw Vincent motioning towards it.

"Get in."

"Are you crazy? It's a coffin!"

"You said you wanted my help. Get in the coffin, Cloud."

"I'm not getting in there! I'm not a dead man!"

His voice grew angry and I could see a spark of something, a literal spark, flash through his yellow eyes as he glared at me.

"If you want my help and for your nightmares to stop, you will get in the damn coffin."

I wanted his help. I wanted the nightmares to stop, so I complied. I slipped into the coffin and lay back, feeling the soft material brushing against my skin. Vincent watched me for a moment and then spoke.

"Once I shut this lid you'll be closed off from the outside world. You'll be alone with your thoughts. Maybe you'll be able to confront your inner demons like I was able to. Good luck…Cloud."

With those last words the coffin closed and I could hear the heavy lid locking into place. I knew it would be dark inside a closed coffin but actually experiencing it myself I had no idea just what I was getting myself into. I let my eyes shut and suddenly found myself at peace. While the idea of being in a coffin should have been giving me the creeps and I should possibly be banging against the lid for someone to let me out, I was…calm. My body began to feel light as I was taken away and found myself alone with my thoughts. However this was supposed to work, I wasn't sure and right now nothing was happening. That all changed soon enough.

I was suddenly thrust into a field of nothingness. All around me for as long as I could see there was white, bright white and nothing else. No grass, no trees, not even a sky or a sun above me. I spun around looking but I was simply alone. I began to walk forward, feeling suddenly unnerved so I placed a hand on the hilt of my sword and held it there. Behind me I heard the sound of laughter and quickly spun around, sword drawn and ready to attack. There was nothing. From behind me I heard the same laughter and spun around again to face my tormentor but there was no one.

"You finally came."

To my right! I spun around and what I say nearly made me drop my sword. There, floating in mid-air was Zack. He was dressed just like he was the day he was murdered and his arms were folded over his chest. He looked at me with glowing blue eyes and a sneer across his face. My mouth was open and a feeling that I couldn't even begin to describe was ripping through me. It had to be an illusion! He had been dead for five years! He smirked at me and began to float towards me.

"Zack! I…. I can't believe it's you!"

"Here I am, Cloud. After all these years we finally get to see each other again. Tell me…how have things been in MY life?"

"Don't speak like that! It wasn't my fault!"

I felt my heart begin to beat as I heard the anger in my best friend's voice. His eyes had narrowed and he was floating towards me faster, his arms still folded over his chest. I was backing away but he was closing the distance between us quickly.

"You're a liar, Cloud! I saved you! I saved your life and you repay me by living my life for me and even taking Aerith from me? I thought we were friends, Cloud! How could you do this?"

"I'M SORRY!"

"LIAR!"

He suddenly thrust a fist at me and I found myself flying back as the powerful punch struck me in the jaw. I landed on my back a few feet away but kipped up to my feet, sword drawn. I ran towards him to attack but I just couldn't bring myself to actually do it. I stopped just a few inches from his face and Zack threw his back and laughed. Unlike before when the laughs were of a good nature now he was laughing malevolently at me. He spun in a half circle and swung his foot out, kicking me in the jaw and I staggered back, clutching my jaw and wincing.

"I've waited a long time for this day, Cloud! When I could finally get back at you for all you did! I'm going to enjoy killing you! I SHOULD HAVE LET YOU DIE IN THAT MANSION, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO! THAT ISN'T TRUE! NONE OF IT IS! IT WASN"T MY FAULT! I NEVER MEANT TO TAKE YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MEMORIES AND I NEVER MEANT TO TAKE AERITH! HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN SHE WAS THE GIRL YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?"

"Shut up! Enough of your lies! You die today, Strife!"

With inhuman speed Zack began to fly towards me and I found a new anger welling up inside of me. I felt angrier than I ever had before in my entire life I shut my eyes and with a battle cry I thrust my sword outwards and heard the grunt and felt the blood splash against me. When I opened my eyes I was expecting to see Zack but what I saw was far, far worse. There was Aerith, impaled on my blade. She was gripping the blade and staring at me with wide green eyes and blood running from the corners of her mouth. It was just like the day Sephiroth murdered her but now her shock was directed at me. I pulled the sword away and dropped it, letting it fall. As her body fell I caught her and pulled her close to me. I hugged her as tightly as I could and began to cry; freely letting the tears fall down my face.

"Good. You're every bit the weakling I remembered. You are so pathetic, Cloud."

I spun around and there he was. He walked casually towards me, his black trench coat swaying around him. I found myself looking into the eyes of Sephiroth and my hatred began to burn. I jumped to my feet and ran for my blade. As I grabbed it I heard her voice, I could hear Aerith speaking to me! I turned to look and saw her body floating in the air, her eyes closed, but her mouth was moving.

"Why did you kill me, Cloud? I only tried to help you and you killed me. You let me die."

Suddenly the voice was coming from two places. I looked behind me to Sephiroth and saw he was speaking the same words as Aerith. His lips were moving in sync with hers like he was a puppet master. When he realized I was looking at him he laughed.

"You're too easy. I've been manipulating your dreams just like I manipulated you into bringing me the Black Materia and betraying the others. Even when I'm dead I can still control your life. You will NEVER escape me, Cloud! I will always be in your mind…"

My eyes opened and I was awake. I could feel grass brushing against my face and it tickled. I pushed myself up and found myself standing in an open field out behind the mansion. As my vision focused I could see a figure standing under a tree partly obscured by the shadows. As I walked towards him my eyes went wide. I wasn't dreaming anymore but he had followed me. Sephiroth walked out from the shadows and drew his Masamune. As he held it up I grabbed my sword from my back and charged towards him. Our blades clashed because this time there was no protective force field around him. I brought my sword down multiple times and the skilled SOLDIER met every blow and parried them all with unnatural ease. As our blades clashed again at a high level above our heads I kicked him in the chest and ran after him, swinging my sword again. He met my attack and began to push back against me.

"Good, Cloud. You have the strength I remember. But now you will die! You can die knowing the truth! That Aerith and Zack lost their lives because of you!"

He kicked me in the face and ran at me, sword lifted. As I swung my sword out to meet his the mighty Masamune blade knocked my sword from hand and I took a powerful swipe to the chest. I jumped back holding my bloody chest and dove for my sword, rolling for it. As I snatched it up I ran at him and screamed.

"IT WASN'T ME! I DIDN'T KIL ZACK OR AERITH! THEIR DEATHS WEREN'T MY FAULT!"

I suddenly found myself fighting with an intensity I had never known. The sounds of blade clanging against blade filled the town on Nibelheim as Sephiroth and I fought. For every attack he blocked he laughed at me and taunted me. The last blow knocked the Masamune from his hand and I impaled him. Just like with Aerith he began to cough blood and fell to his knees. As I watched him wilt I narrowed my eyes and spoke in the coldest voice I could muster.

"Stay where you belong…in my memories…"

He looked up at me and smirked as if he was proud. He chuckled.

"I will never be…. a memory."

"Cloud…. the Materia.. It's inside my…"

This voice was new. As I stepped back I found myself staring down at Vincent, clutching his bloody stomach with both his hands. I dropped my sword, which was still dripping with his blood and knelt in front of him. I wasn't fighting Sephiroth outside of the mansion I had been fighting Vincent! I looked at his wound and saw the green glow from inside of his cape. He was using a Cure Materia. I sighed as slowly the bleeding stopped and after a moment he stood to his feet. He tossed his cape back and placed both hands on my shoulders.

"It worked."

It wasn't a question. I wasn't sure how I got from being in the coffin in the basement library to being in the backyard but I was here and I felt…lighter. I looked down at myself and then back to Vincent who had taken his normal pose of standing with his arms folded over his chest, leaning to one side.

"You feel the weight lifted. You had a vision didn't you, Cloud? And you got the answers you've been looking for?"

"I did… But how did you…?"

"I just know. Let's say it's at personal experience. I don't mean to force you out, but it's getting late. You may want to head home before night falls."

"Vincent."

"No need for thanks. Just enjoy your peace."

As he said those words and began to walk away I knew I had found it. I confronted Sephiroth in my dream and finally realized something, Aerith and Zack losing their lives wasn't my fault. Vincent was right about the immense weight being lifted but something was still missing. I couldn't place it but part of me was still looking for an answer. Overhead there a clap of thunder and then a light drizzle began to fall on me. Great, now I had to ride home in the goddamn rain.


End file.
